Life is always changing. During hard times and struggles, everyone will say this in order to make you feel better. The truth is that things change and you can either be miserable about it or find something..ANY small victory out of the changes. Some days the biggest victory you can claim is simply waking up in the morning and being alive. Those usually aren't the banner days, but they are days that you have, nonetheless.
Unfortunately there are times when you feel alone in the world. If you really and truly think back on those days, you will realize that you were never really alone in the first place. I don't mean some invisible sentient being "watching over you"- I mean real live actual people. I have experienced terrible heartache and seemingly hopeless situations and learned later on that there was a whole team of folks that would have been there for me if I had only asked. I was too busy "being strong" to ask for help or worse yet, I didn't believe that I deserved friends that would be there for me.
I am contemplating change today because I have just encountered an abundance of change and see only more on the horizon. Some things have "happened" to me, and other changes are a result of some soul searching and my need to make some difficult decisions.
One of my best friends has made a series of life decisions that have led to me being betrayed and the end of our friendship. I am extremely saddened that I have lost my friend, but this person that exists now isn't the wonderful person I met all those years ago. I think I have been mourning that person's loss for a while now.
I also had to make some decisions in order to be true to myself. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't want a conventional life for myself. I don't know if I will ever want to get a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and have some kids. I never want to fall into a rut, get bored, and wonder what happened to that vibrant woman that existed only a few years ago. I know that I have been in relationships or situations that women would kill for, but I want to be challenged. I will always strive to be better, and I need someone who has a similar attitude. I would rather fall short of huge goals than achieve tiny ones. I may never find that, but I won't settle for less.
